Confessions Of An Idiot and Ramona’s New Beau

By W.R. Jones

thebackpond.jpg  The spot of yellow in this Idaho study coupled with the recent fire storms we are having in California triggered a memory of one of my multitude of extremely stupid ideas.  Also at work bringing back this particular memory was seeing a field of growing tumbleweeds on my way home last night.

    Tumbleweeds have been mentioned in a least one old western (as in the western or “cowboy” part of the US)  song.  They sound rather romantic in that song.  In real life they are a miserable plant,  a plant version of a mosquito.  They grow into large round balls and in the fall they turn brown with brittle branches.  Their shallow roots break off and any wind takes these big balls everywhere. 

    Years ago every fall we would have a large number of these plants blow over our wooden fence and get stuck in our back yard.  They were a real pain to remove.  They were so big and prickly that breaking them down to place in a trash container brought out my tendency towards bad language.  

    One fall I came up with a new plan, pay attention here – you are about to read of uncommon stupidity, I would pour gasoline on the plants and burn them.  They are mostly dried twigs in a ball form so they would burn rapidly and leave a small pile of ashes.

    They did burn rapidly.  However, they are so light, the slightest puff of wind starts them tumbling – hence the name tumbleweeds.  Directly after lighting them, a slight breeze blew them against our wooden fence which, wouldn’t you know, started burning along with the weeds.  The men from the fire department were astounded at my ignorance.  They were not even slightly amused at my bumbling foolishness and I think I narrowly avoided being fined.

    In another note – here is Paco.  Owned by Miki, I thought we could breed Paco and Ramona and get a little herd started.   I worried a bit; Paco doesn’t look like he would be very gentle with her.  When I got the estimate for shipping Paco here for the big event – somehow the invoice showed Paco, Miki, and Kev coming on a luxury liner, I decided to have Miki email me a jar of Paco’s semen and do an artificial insemination.  As soon as I finish this I’m going on the web to learn the technique; doesn’t seem like it could be that hard.

sk-bullfight-1.jpg             wyomingcow

       PACO                                         RAMONA        

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13 Responses to Confessions Of An Idiot and Ramona’s New Beau

  1. Mish Lee says:

    Well, at least it didn’t get any further than the fence.

    The boat could have been called Livestock Luxury Liner. Good luck with the insemination.

    Where in Japan were you? Some of my friends don’t appreciate my comments either. But I just can’t help it, ya know? I miss the soba shoppes.

  2. Ion Danu says:

    I saw something like an insemination in a movie, “Serving Sara” with Elisabeth Hurley and one of the “Firends” character… You can take a look at that for instruction… And Ramona seem pretty but Paco has the Spanish “fuego” in his veins… Maybe you should give Ramona a few buckets of coffee to make her “meet” the emotional level of Paco? And the result could be a coffee drinker (even without beautiful cups…)

  3. Ramona says:

    Whoa….insemination? Isn’t there some room for negotiation here? Poor Ramona, she doesn’t look too happy all of a sudden

  4. kevmoore says:

    Bill, where to begin?
    Okay, your highly informative tale about the tumbleweed reminded me of Jack Palance’s incredible rendition of some cowboy song about tumbleweed in the film City Slickers. Whilst manfully avoiding most of the right notes, and most certainly all of the tune, he still managed to imbue the song with a certain pathos. Whilst I certainly cannot condone your foolishness, you seem to have unwittingly stumbled upon a very efficient way of torching undesirable neighbours and getting away with it. As in; “Has that flaming tumbleweed got my name on it? No? Then I have nothing more to say, officer!”
    Moving on, I am more than a little worried here. Who the hell is Ken, and why is he sailing to America with Miki? I think I should be told!

  5. wrjones says:

    I was in a rural area about 20 miles from Tokyo.

    Ramona is already at the emotional level of Paco. She has been pacing the field wringing her hoofs at the thought of meeting that big guapo brute. If I give her that much coffee (and it couldn’t be Starbucks – I would have to sell my car to pay for it), she will be off in the weeds peeing every 5 minutes like I do.

    She’s happy, trust me on this. She is just trying to show indifference because of her fine breeding.

    Oops – I meant Kev (note that it is corrected now).

    Is that the voice of experience with advice about lying your way out of trouble. That there is a definite giveaway as to your uncommon intelligence. I always admire a good schemer.

    I once met Jack Palance in a hallway at UCLA – he is/was? a very large man.

  6. kevmoore says:

    After careful research, I can sadly confirm that Jack, like his character Curly, has hung up his spurs and retired to Boot hill. In fact, on November 10th it is the 1st anniversary of his death. He reached the grand old age of 87, which is no mean feat for a cowboy, and I guess he would be just the kind of guy to deal with Paco and Ramona’s loved-up shenanigans in a professional manner.

  7. 100swallows says:

    Hey, Bill–I forgot to say I like this pond picture of yours. The water with more sky in it than the sky. Pretty.

  8. Miki says:

    What an idea with the inse thing, I can´t even speak it out correctly! First you make my Paco hot, and then you want only his semens? You can´t treat a pure macho guapo like that and stop it to get his senorita so easy, Bill! As Paco was informed about your decision he first went mad (worst than a hutrican, I can tell you!) and destroyed everything around here. Then he started to think. Traditional behaviour for our males in Spain…
    So don´t wonder if you see him landing one day on the Ramona´s field, because he is just right now in chirurgicakl treatment to get some wings… never heard of winged bulls?

  9. kevmoore says:

    We have an advertising campaign in the UK for Red Bull Energy drink. Its slogan is “Red Bull gives you wings” Perhaps in Paco’s case it should be “Bull sees Red and gets wings”
    What could be worse than a Hutrican…A hurricane, perhaps? :-)
    For the uninitiated I guess “chirurgicakl treatment” (sic) is plastic surgery…
    At this rate, I can see Ramona munching on another clump of grass and complaining she has a headache!

  10. wrjones says:

    This truly is a romance. Hearts broken, heavy drinking, the whole Spanish enchilada (or is that only Mexican)?

    I sat down with Ramona to calm her down and restore her normal piece of mind.

    She is willing to fly, first class mind you, to Spain for a walk in the field and some cud chewing with Paco. No rough stuff though; not on the first date. As is the custom, she expects the male to pick up the tab for the airfare and any extra hay.

  11. kevmoore says:

    I believe the Enchilada is uniquely Mexican Bill.
    When I first moved to Spain, I was under the misapprehension that Spanish food was spicy, and sadly this was not the case. Happily however, ones appetite for the piquant can be sated at a number of foreign restaurants in the region. They are…er..Mexican.
    Paco has some rather exciting news! He has just been chosen to be the star of a Europe-wide 2009 Calendar, thanks to his owner Miki, so he hopes to negotiate a percentage that will allow him to pay for Ramona’s flight. He’s outside now, nostrils flared. I guess he’ll get his percentage.

  12. wrjones says:

    Oooh. This could change the way Ramona views him. She was thinking he was an ordinary field bull.

  13. Pingback: Paco´s Broken Heart… « “Café Crem”: The Coffee Cup Club

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